


magneton

by pear_tarts



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: 6 month timeskip camping trip shenanigans, Gen, Humor, Swearing, and heinkel has to deal with it, it's just greed and ling and ed being dumbasses, there's no actual pokemon btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:42:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25265545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pear_tarts/pseuds/pear_tarts
Summary: Pokemon Fact: When three Magnemite link together to become Magneton, their brains also combine… but they don’t get any smarter.or: Edward, Greed, and Ling try to make fireworks and argue over lunch. Heinkel is tired.
Relationships: Edward Elric & Greed, Greed (Ling) & Ling Yao
Comments: 4
Kudos: 73





	magneton

**Author's Note:**

> i want to get into fic writing more so im starting off with something self-indulgent i.e. just three dudes in the woods doing dumb shit. inspired by [this post by atomicpowered on tumblr](https://atomicpowered.tumblr.com/post/618587632327442432/im-posting-this-one-by-itself-because) :]

Edward Elric thinks it’s fair to say that he has, frankly, seen a lot of weird shit in his 16 years. Sure, "weird" is often just a code word for "really fucked up" or "deeply traumatizing," but there have been times where "weird" just meant "weird." And, well. He’s pretty sure that this is one of those times. In fact, on a scale of sheer absurdity, he’s fairly confident in placing "attempting to make bootleg fireworks out in the woods with a foreign prince and a 200-year-old demon" close to the top.

But hey, at least it's a good way to kill time.

Ed and Greed (and Ling, by proxy) had left camp earlier in the day under the pretext of "foraging for something new to eat, seriously, I'm getting tired of nothing but potatoes." And really, that had been their goal, at first. But then they had started talking, and Ling had started to list off all the Xingese food he had been missing, and then he had started reminiscing about the festivals back home, and apparently as soon as he mentioned "fireworks" the little switch in Greed's head that triggered when he thought about something big, and bold, and dangerous switched on, because the next thing Ed knew Greed had that  _ glint _ in his eyes and it all just sort of snowballed from there.

(And by snowballed, he may or may not mean, "we snatched some materials from a local mine and then hunted down a nice clearing in the forest to make some fireworks in.")

"Ling," Ed says, once they’ve got the materials set up in front of him, "are you sure this is really all we need for a basic firework?"

Greed, slouching against a tree a few feet away, twitches for a second as Ling takes over. "Haha, nope!" Ling says, with all the enthusiasm of someone who isn't trying to literally play with fire with little prior knowledge. "But  _ you're  _ the prodigy alchemist here. I'm sure you can figure it out. Don't you agree, Greed?"

Greed shrugs as he takes back over. "Yeah, sure," he says, waving a hand in the air. "It's probably gonna be entertaining either way."

"Hey, dunno if you noticed, but, you know, no regeneration powers here! I'd prefer if I didn't have some absolute garbage firework blow up in my face!"

Greed pauses for a second, tilting his head as if someone was speaking to him over his shoulder. Then: "Ling says to say that anything you could make wouldn’t be enough to actually harm you. He's also saying, 'less talking, more transmuting.'"

Ed grumbles--though, as he claps his hands together to attempt to form the first firework star, he acknowledges that if Ling were the one with the alchemy, he'd probably be egging him on just as much. Sure, yeah, he doesn't want to deal with any shitty firework mishaps, but at the same time, he can't lie: the potential this has to be cool as shit outweighs any real reservations he has.

Unfortunately, that potential falls short almost immediately. Later on, Ed guesses that his transmutation ended up combining two ingredients in an  _ entirely _ wrong way. In the moment, though, all he knows is that one second the transmutation seems to be working as planned and the next second there's a loud BANG and suddenly the air is filled with smoke and gunpowder and  _ he _ is filled with frustration that's quickly followed by dread as he realizes that aw, shit, there's no  _ way _ that this wasn't noticed back at camp.

Ed and Greed spend a solid minute coughing, only managing to choke out a few strained "fuck"s and "shit"s. For a second, Ed envies Ling’s ability to simply let go of any control over his body and let Greed bear the brunt of the smoke. Eventually, though, enough of it clears out for Ed to wheeze out, "Fuck, there's no way Lion and Gorilla didn't hear that."

"God, what the hell did you do to that gunpowder to make it smell  _ this _ bad, kid?" Greed asks. He slowly stands up from where he'd bent over coughing, his eyes watering. "This stuff reeks."

"Forget that," Ed says, wiping some gunpowder residue from his face. "I don't want to have to listen to them nagging me again. Not after that incident at the store last week."

"Right, right," Greed says, "I got it. Take the leftover materials and hide for a bit. I'll cover for you." He smirks. "Heinkel and Darius can't exactly get away with lecturing their boss, now, can they?"

Ed has his back to Greed, so the latter doesn't see him roll his eyes. He really doesn’t feel like getting chewed out again, though, so he does as instructed, and leaves Greed to finish up his coughing, try to act natural, and wait for Darius or Heinkel to find him.

\-----

When Heinkel sticks his head into the clearing five minutes later, Greed is attempting a casual lean, once more up against a tree. “Hey, Heinkel,” he drawls. "What's up?"

Heinkel peers around cautiously. “What’s going on here?” he asks as he steps into the clearing. “We heard an explosion, what happened?”

Greed folds his arms behind his head. “What explosion?”

Heinkel stares at him for a second. “Wh--there was a bang so loud we heard it from camp." 

"There was?"

"There are scorch marks on the ground here, and the entire area reeks of gunpowder. Greed, you literally have gunpowder on your clothing. What did you  _ do _ ? And where’s Edward? Didn’t he leave with you?”

Greed absentmindedly brushes at his shirt. “Who’s Edward?” 

Ling’s laugh echoes around in their shared mindspace as the five stages of grief appear to flicker over Heinkel’s face in the span of about three seconds. He closes his eyes, draws in a deep breath, and lets out a long, low sigh. “Look,” Heinkel starts, voice weary under the weight of multiple months camping in the woods with two teenagers and the embodiment of a sin, “I don’t actually care why the hell you were… apparently blowing things up. Just don’t do it again, okay? Or at the very least do it somewhere a little more discreet. If the military decides to drop in on us because someone reported explosions off in the woods, they aren’t exactly going to be offering us tea.”

Greed looks up, then, a wry smile twisting on his face. "Hey, wait a minute, Heinkel," he scoffs, "Who d'you think is in charge here?" When Heinkel doesn’t respond, he pushes himself off the tree, stuffs his hands in his pockets. "But, whatever. It was getting boring, to be honest. I had just been planning on calling it quits, before the explosion, really."

_ Sure you were _ , says Ling, smirking at him from inside their head.

_ Zip it, kid _ , says Greed.

Heinkel sighs again. "Right. Well, if you're so  _ bored _ , why don't you go round up Ed and head back to camp. Darius is working on finishing up lunch, and it won't be our fault if you guys miss out." He turns to go, mumbling some choice swears under his breath.

"Hey, you still can't order me around, Heinkel," Greed tells Heinkel's retreating form; then, more to himself, he says, "Besides, I don't need to eat, you know? I’ll pass on whatever potato concoction they’ve whipped up."

_ Greed _ , Ling says,  _ we don't  _ **_need_ ** _ to eat, but come on! I still don't want to miss lunch, no matter how starchy it might be! _

_ Too bad, kid. If I have to eat one more heinous attempt at potato soup, I'm gonna go crazy. _

Ling sighs.  _ C'mon, stop being difficult. Remember who got us sidetracked from our original goal of finding something  _ **_other_ ** _ than potatoes?  _

Greed pauses. His face goes still in that way that it does when he's considering something he's heard. Then:  _ Shut up, kid. _

This is enough to tell Ling that he's already got the high ground, so he decides to end the argument early with a decisive blow.  _ Well, if we're missing lunch, I guess I'll just have to stay hungry. Oh, but that just makes me think of all the things I wish I was eating… _

Greed's physical body stiffens as a sense of dread creeps down his spine. "Don't," he says, out loud.

_ You know what I mean, right, Greed?  _ Ling plasters a smile on his face. _ I mean, sometimes you just get so hungry that you can't help it. Like, you know what I could really go for right now? _

"Don't!" Greed sticks his hand straight out, pointing at the ground as if Ling were really there. "Don't, Ling, or I swear to god--"

_ I could really go for a hotdog. You know, Amestris really serves some of the best hotdogs, especially in Central. Have I told you about this one I had from this one food cart-- _

"Fuck, fine! Fine! We'll go get your shitty potato soup, just… don't."

"What's going on?" Ed says, stumbling through a bush back into the clearing. He pulls a twig out of his hair. "Is Ling threatening to talk about hotdogs for five hours again?"

"No, no, of course not!" Ling surfaces for a moment, face transitioning from Greed's pained grimace to a chipper smile. "I'd never  _ threaten _ anything. I was just thinking aloud about how hungry I was and how much I'd  _ love _ to go back to camp and get some lunch. Right, Greed?"

The grimace returns. Greed rubs his temples, sighing heavily from his nose. Honestly. You take a guy's body but give him the time of day, and next thing you know, he's forcing you to slog back through the woods under the threat of listening to his dissertation about Amestrian meat products, just so that he can eat his fill of watery potatoes.

Although. Well. At least he's not bored. So he says, "Fine, alright, let's head back," and if he maybe isn't  _ quite _ as annoyed as he seems to be, well, Ling seems to be willing to let it slide.

...They really do need to get some other food though.


End file.
